You are where you Chose to be…
About 10 years ago I was talking with another dad, waiting as our daughters were rehearsing for a local play. Somehow the conversation wound up talking about that he personally believed “You are where you chose to be”. At first, I really didn’t understand what he was talking about. I thought that sounded kind of negative and almost fatalistic, that you have no choice, no control.
I asked him what he meant. And he briefly explained that where we are now is a result of our actions and, just as important, the things we chose not to do. Shortly after that our conversation wrapped up as the girls were about done. We never came back to talk about it. But for some reason, that phrasing has been stuck in my head for all these years.
Are You Where You Want to Be?
As time went on and life being life, I was presented with more challenges than opportunities. I will admit many of these challenges took me to the edge of what I thought I could handle. For some reason that phrasing “You are where you chose to be” would pop into my mind, haunting me, punishing me. I thought it meant that every negative thing that had happened and was happening to me was because of me and my shortcomings. In other words, this was a negative and painful quote.
Stepping Back…
Luckily, overtime I was able to emotionally step back and look at that quote again. And let me be clear here, I had not really talked to the other dad since that time and the quote was just made in a passing statement but for some reason it sat there in my subconscious, taunting me, challenging me to understand the power in that statement.
As I looked at the word “chose”, I recognize it is a past tense word. It refers to actions that have happened in the past. We cannot change the past. But as much as we cannot change the past, the past definitely impacts our present. Now it is up to me to realize I can either look at this as a punishment or as learning. Looking back, I can recognize things with a different perspective. That doesn’t mean it won’t hurt but maybe now I could step back and see what lessons I can gleam from my experiences- good and bad.
Control What You Can, Let the Rest Go…
The word “chose” allows me to recognize what was in my control and what things weren’t in my control. More importantly, looking back how did I react to those events? Or did I just not react and let them take me wherever as I assumed no control or responsibility. By not taking the opportunity to control what I could control it makes it so much easier to blame everyone else. It makes it easier for me to say it’s not my fault.
The reality is, I may not be responsible for what happens to me, but I am responsible for how I react, or should I say, act based upon what has happened. These choices will help determine my future.
Punishment or Accountability…
In other words, the statement “You are where you chose to be.” can either be a punishment or a statement of accountability. As you take accountability for yourself, things take on a whole new light. You need to appreciate that you are not responsible for what happens to you however, you are responsible for how you react to life.
This takes you from being a victim to being in control.
Change your Perspective..
Now let’s look at this quote in a different way. Instead of saying “You are where you chose to be.”, let’s change it to “You are where you choose to be”. You are where you are right now, and you can’t change that. The past is the past. While you cannot change past events, you can reevaluate and learn from their significance. What you can control is what you do right now. What do you “Choose” to do right now, how you “Choose” to react when something happens.
It is in this intentional act of choosing your reactions that you gain control. And based on what you’ve learned from what you “chose” to do in the past when things didn’t go according to plan, you now know you can “choose” to change, adjust or simply make a new plan because you “choose” to.
It is understanding the power of that word “choose” where you regain your control.
Stoic Power of Choice…
One of my interests is the philosophy of Stoicism. Within this philosophy there is a famous philosopher named Epictetus. He talked about the importance of understanding the Dichotomy of Control.
Put simply that means you need to recognize and understand what is actually within your control. Most importantly, don’t give energy to those things outside of your control. In other words, while you can no longer control things in the past. I would strongly remind you that you can and should learn from them. But as events happen now, you can “choose” to control your reaction, you can “choose” to move in the direction you want.
Originally, I viewed the word “chose” in the past tense as a punishment word. I was being punished for whatever reason; many times, I couldn’t even explain it.
But now instead of focusing on the past tense of the word I want to focus on the present tense, the action-oriented nature of the word meaning “choose”. It is in my choices that I gain power. It is in my choices that I regain control. And it is recognizing that I can make choices when things happen that I take my true power back.
So, while I do believe in the validity of the quote “you are where you chose to be”. I ask you the question, are you where want to be?
More importantly I challenge you:
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